i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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