I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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