Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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