you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
