I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
