if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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