Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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