then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize