I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
