The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Boobs are out for the taking
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
