I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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