I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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