Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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