My liver just broke up with me...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
