oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
