Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
