just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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