Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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