I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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