so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
