Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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