chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
