my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
True strength comes from lack of pants
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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