Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
