my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
