stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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