I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
