you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
