i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
