did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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