Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
