I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
