You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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