That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
