I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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