I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
