Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
