I didn't shave. On purpose
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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