I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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