elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
