Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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