Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
