96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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