How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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