i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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