Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
