I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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