Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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