I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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