saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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