We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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