One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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