After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
