Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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