last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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